One Sorry Blog

Paul Rivas has now kept his girlfriend’s mouth full of empanadas and chocolate for 48 hours.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires - In his most drastic attempt to date to help his girlfriend quit smoking, Paul Rivas has now kept her mouth full of empanadas and/or chocolate for 48 straight hours. Rivas initiated the empanada-chocolate program Sunday evening, or approximately 12 hours after Clare Nisbet had promised she would quit smoking.

“There she was, puffing away, playing online poker on both AOL and Facebook, making sure her show was downloading on XTorrent and watching two more shows on television,” recalled Rivas, ” when I thought, ‘Wait a tick, something’s not right here,’ and then I remembered that she swore on Jack Bauer’s life that she would quit smoking that morning. That’s when I suggested we call and have some empanadas delivered.”

Despite being thrown for a loop that Rivas would volunteer to use the telephone to order empanadas, the tasty turnover-ish Argentine snacks that Nisbet has dubbed a ’super-food’, Nisbet did not suspect Rivas was in fact trying to trick her into not smoking, starting then and there.

With her mouth still full at present, Nisbet has been unable to speak on the Rivas empanada-chocolate method of quitting smoking, but she send this news service the following email, presumably composed between poker hands and during a commercial break:

“Our phone plan requires dialing six digits before the local phone number, which itself has eight digits. Paul hates the phone anyway, and when faced with dialing 14 digits and making a telephone order or just walking the ten blocks to my new favorite empanada place and back, he’d usually rather walk. I should have known. But I’ve got to say, this isn’t a bad program he’s got me on, and I know he’s only doing it because he loves me and wants to live a long life with me.”

Critics of the empanada-chocolate program maintain that feeding one’s girlfriend for 48 hours is cruel and unusual, if not torturous, a concern at which its backers have scoffed, reiterating that empanadas and chocolate are the smoker in question’s two favorite foods.

Furthermore, Rivas would like to remind readers that milder, more accepted methods employed by Nisbet had proven fruitless. She had often instructed her father to hide her cigarettes and give her one at the end of the day, only to end up sneaking around to find where he’d hidden them and smoke three or four at a single go. She had also tried the patch, but found the fear of death by nicotine poisoning to be scant discouragement from smoking with the patch on.

Rivas does admit that his program has required Nisbet to consume “otherwise unhealthy” amounts of Mamá Flora empanadas and Cadbury’s chocolate bars, but maintains that, “a few extra kilos are a small price to pay, health-wise, for all that lung power she’s going to have at her disposal in about a week.”

Rivas hastened to add that he does not anticipate needing to keep Nisbet on the program for the entire week.

“Another 24 hours and she’ll be over the hump, good to go, listo, whatever you want to call it,” Rivas nodded, pumping his fist in solidarity with the chewing Nisbet.