Nine days after having quit smoking, Clare Nisbet is bitchier than ever.
One Sorry Blog News Service
Buenos Aires – Mild-mannered Paul Rivas, who helped his girlfriend quit her most recent cigarette habit by putting her on a rigorous empanada-chocolate program, is beginning to suspect that the wily Scottish woman is now taking the piss out of him and just being bitchy for bitchiness’s sake.
“Dude, it’s been nine days,” Rivas said, shrugging and hands upturned, “and she’s still bossing me around.”
In addition to continuing to complain of withdrawal headaches, Nisbet has taken to demanding that Rivas go buy her “snacks”. Apparently, the crackers, cold cuts, cheese, olives, nuts, yogurt, pudding and chocolate that can usually be found in the Rivas-Nisbet refrigerator do not qualify as quitter-approved snacks. These, according to Nisbet, are cheesy poofs, potato chips, cookies, and flavored potato chips.
“Shut up, quit scratching your balls and go get me some snacks, damn it!” Nisbet could be overheard raging, shortly before a defeated Rivas sulked out the front door in the freezing cold.
Rivas does not take much stock in U.S. government website information stating that nicotine withdrawal symptoms, such as headaches and bitchiness, can last up to several weeks.
“They say it’s different for everybody, and I know Clare is exceptional, but that’s why I put her on the empanada-chocolate program. I really thought she’d be alright by now,” Rivas said in a tone that implied he knew he was fooling himself.
Nisbet has quit smoking before, most recently for a three-month stretch in mid-2006 that ended when Rivas broke up with Nisbet. Needless to say, Nisbet is holding Rivas responsible for her recent bout with the cancer sticks, and will stop at nothing to ensure that although they may be happily together again, she will always have the upper hand when it comes to smoking-related discord.
“Of course it’s his fault! What are you, stupid?! And of course I’m going to make him pay for it by being a bitch whenever I detect an opening to do so. But that’s not what I’m doing right now. Right now I need snacks. SNACKS!,” said Nisbet, in a rare moment of near rationality, before reverting to the bitchiness that has Rivas so concerned. “I know the house is full of food, I’m the one who buys it. But I need snacks, you jerk, now go get me some!”
The effects of Nisbet’s difficult personality of late have been multiplied exponentially due to the amount of time she has been spending in the couple’s apartment, out of fear of being overwhelmed by the temptation to smoke that is omnipresent on the streets of the Argentine capital. Restaurants have only been required to keep smoking patrons in completely enclosed areas since late 2006, smokers buying fresh packs at corner shops are expected to throw the packaging onto the sidewalk and fully one third of the country’s cardiologists are said to smoke.
“The hour or two per day that I can usually steal away for myself are what has kept us together,” Rivas stated in all seriousness. “I’m willing to accept a good amount of responsibility for Clare smoking this time around, but she needs to find another way to deal with her frustration that pushing me out of the way when I’m near the pantry. Like reading all the Harry Potter books over again from the beginning, or something.”
