Unemployed, 29-year-old scuttles baseball card collection

A One Sorry Blog News Service Special Report

Somewhere near the Goleta-Santa Barbara border, California – Today One Sorry Blog Editor Paul Rivas announced a firesale on his baseball card holdings “while supplies last,” encouraging all who have ever had baseball cards to “come out and check out what this crap actually sells for.”

Everyone knows that this is the worst time in the history of the hobby to attempt to sell baseball cards for cash-money, a notion Rivas wholeheartedly accepts, but shrugs off.

“Ni modo,” the erstwhile collector said in a statement issued following his all-too-brief announcement.

Rivas knows that to sell a baseball card today is to convince the buyer to forget that it’s only been six weeks since Christmas and he has no money, to inspire him to buck the lethargy of the winter, when there is no more football for a long time, spring training hasn’t started and the pinche NBA isn’t even at the all-star break, and to tell him to forget about steroids already.

Yet now is when the unemployed Rivas has the time to cull 800-count boxes for the one card, rarely two, that will bring a few quid on ebay. And why not? When one dedicates dear time and other resources into a hobby for so many years, as Rivas, a Fernando Valenzuela collector, did, one doesn’t seek material reward. One understands that the selling is all part of the collecting, that the collection has an end and a beginning, usually in the very same place, in Rivas’ case, the hallowed Great American Baseball Cards, his “honorary headquarters”.

Rivas is conducting the One Sorry Blog BASEBALL CARD SELL-OFF on ebay with seller name onesorryblog. Sales totals for Week 1 were $262.71, including an OSBBCSO record $127.50 for a 1994 SP A-Rod PSA 8. Today, Rivas posted a 93 SP Derek Jeter that gambling expert Ace Cummins described as “tits”.

As a card collector, Rivas made two insanely successful speculative deals before he could even drive. Now, he is content in his role as a selling contributor to “the whole deal”. Persuaded to explain to his fellow collectors and readers why he would sell-off, for ha’pennies on the dollar, all the time he had invested as a child, in the form of more Barry Bonds rookie cards than he ever knew he had, Rivas said:

“They take up space, they’re dusty and nobody will pay money for them. For every one that goes on ebay, there are 1000 that are going in the fire. I’ll keep the Santa Barbara Islanders cards, the Gauchos’ cards, the Fernandos, the Travis Frymans, the Bo Jacksons and the Billy Ripken Fuck Face card. The rest of it, chinga su madre. It’s not sad; in fact, I’m quite enjoying it. Getting one last thrill out of the bastards. And ebay is great. So much easier and better than when I last used it eight years ago. There are a few that I’d like to see go to good homes, but otherwise, I could use the money. I’m gonna donate the 30,000 that don’t sell to Rene Spilborghs [father of Santa Barbara native and Colorado Rockies centerfielder Ryan Spilborghs] to use at his discretion. I found out yesterday at Craig’s that he reads One Sorry Blog.”

Article written on bus from Costa Rica to Nicaragua published on independent.com today

A One Sorry Blog News Service Short

An article describing the UCSB men’s soccer team’s trip to Argentina last summer and what it may mean, if anything, for the team’s chances to repeat as NCAA champions, was published on independent.com today. One Sorry Blog editor and co-writer of The Big Schlep, Paul Rivas, wrote the article with a pen in his notebook while on the bus from Costa Rica to Nicaragua.

Publisher reassures readership that blog will continue to provide music, film, network TV and gambling articles written by its team of experts during his four-month overland journey from Buenos Aires to Goleta with blog’s food writer

One Sorry Blog News Service writer Paul Rivas and Eat Me writer Nisbet have created an all-new blog to chronicle the trip: The Big Schlep

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – One Sorry Blog publisher Paul Rivas reassured the groundbreaking blog’s readership that the blog, whose content is provided by a crack team of unpaid experts, would continue to provide the most cutting edge music, film, network TV and gambling articles during the four months that Rivas and girlfriend Clare Nisbet (the blog’s food columnist) will be making their overland journey home from this Argentine capital to Goleta.

The Buenos Aires Desk of One Sorry Blog, which Rivas staffs, closed operations Tuesday afternoon with this news article. Rivas and his beloved are leaving Buenos Aires any day now to begin their trip home after living in the city for 19 months.

Rivas, who also edits the blog and writes the One Sorry Blog News Service, elaborated.

“Clare and I will be focusing on this big schlep of ours. Rather than she continuing to write Eat Me (or, One Woman Overcomes Her Racial Handicap and Prepares Damn Tasty Food from Around the World) and I continuing to write news articles, in addition to playing Scrabble ten times a day trying to make a bingo worthy of the Sunday Scrabble Sweepstakes, we’re going to combine our efforts and write an all-new blog chronicling said schlep: The Big Schlep.”

“Have you ever known anyone to schlep from Buenos Aires to Goleta?” Nisbet asked in her ‘are you kidding me?’ voice. “It’s a schlep!”

Rivas emphasized that the blog’s loyal readership will still have Network TV Slut, Recetas magistrales, Notes from the Film Vanguard, Live from the Analog Playground and Gambling Is Easy to look forward to every other week or so.

Rivas was visibly excited about the future of the blog’s gambling content during his absence. “Ace Cummins just flew in from St. Kitts for the American football season, and he’s ready to make some money.”

Anyone familiar with Ace Cummins’ work on Gambling Is Easy (or, You’ve Heard of Ace Rothstein? Well This Is Ace Cummins!) will be glad to hear the news. Ace Cummins was 11-4-1 overall on spring picks, including a stone-cold 5-0 on “five-star” picks.

In its six-month history, One Sorry Blog has received more than 12,500 page views. Its popularity peaked in the second half of July, when One Sorry Blog averaged more than 100 page views per day for 15 consecutive days and briefly reached the 15th position on the WordPress list of Fastest Growing Blogs. There are over 1,000,000 blogs on WordPress.

One Sorry Blog’s schedule for September-December 2007, during which Eat Me, the One Sorry Blog News Service and the Sunday Scrabble Sweepstakes will be unavailable:
Wednesdays: Network TV Slut
Miércoles: Recetas magistrales
Thursdays: Notes from the Film Vanguard
Thursdays: Live from the Analog Playground
Fridays: Gambling Is Easy

Californian makes stand-up comedy debut in Buenos Aires; videos posted to YouTube

Fan of Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Bill Hicks overcomes early nervousness and only forgets two lines of 11-minute routine.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – Californian and One Sorry Blog editor Paul Rivas made his stand-up comedy debut Friday at El Bululú comedy theater in Buenos Aires. Playing before an almost-full room of 60 people as a substitute in the Ponele onda! show, Rivas opened the hour-long program.

The Californian, who has been living in Buenos Aires with his girlfriend and muse, Clare Nisbet, since early 2006, had grown increasingly nervous in the few hours immediately preceding his debut.

“Only once I started waiting backstage for the show to start did I realize that it was possible that I might forget everything,” Rivas recalled. “But once I was on stage and people started laughing, things got much easier and the 11 minutes flew by.”

Nisbet was not surprised to see Rivas struggle in the early moments, given that he had apparently given no thought to what performing for a crowd with stage lights in his face might be like.

“All he thought he had to do was write some funny shit and memorize it,” said Nisbet, shaking her head. “Most people would have shit themselves worrying about the crowd, but all he was worried about was whether or not the stuff would be funny.”

Whereas Nisbet was quick to say that she was proud of Rivas, the stand-in comedian himself said that except for the early nervousness, which he hadn’t anticipated, the debut went as expected. He was disappointed to have forgotten two lines of his “Ana con doble N” bit and that the crowd did not take to his “¡toma!” line in reference to a statue of Jesus being whipped at the Holy Land theme park in Buenos Aires.

Rivas has no further performances scheduled and is hesitant to consider doing stand-up in English, stating: “I’m not funny in English.”

Man who thinks he’s funny to make stand-up comedy debut Friday/Hombre que se cree gracioso debutará como comediante stand-up este viernes

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – One Sorry Blog editor Paul Rivas will make his stand-up comedy debut Friday, August 3 at El Bululú in Buenos Aires. Rivas will be a one-time substitute in the Ponele onda! stand-up comedy show, which runs Fridays at 10 p.m. at the comedy theater at Rivadavia 1350.

The show will feature three comedians and Rivas, in addition to an MC. As the newcomer, Rivas will be performing first. The U.S. citizen was invited to join the Spanish language stand-up show by its closer, Gabriel “Gabo” Grosvald. Needless to say, Rivas expects to kill.

“Of course I think I’m funny,” said Rivas. “What are stand-up comedians if not a bunch of jerkoffs who think they’re funny?”

Without giving too much away, Rivas indicated that his ten-minute set is based on his unique perspective as a Californian of 50% Mexican descent who lived in Mexico City for six months in 2000 and now plans to return to California after living 20 months in Buenos Aires.

“Think Bill Hicks meets Chespirito,” Rivas said.

***

Buenos Aires – Paul Rivas, el editor de One Sorry Blog, debutará como comediante stand-up este viernes, 3 de agosto, en El Bululú en Buenos Aires. En esta única occasion, Rivas será un suplente en el show de stand-up Ponele onda!, que se presenta los viernes a las 22 hs. en el teatro de comedia ubicado en Rivadavia 1350.

El show incluye a tres comediantes y a Rivas, más el MC. Como el novato, Rivas abrirá el espectáculo. El estadounidense fue invitado a unirse al show de stand-up en castellano por el que lo cierra, Gabriel “Gabo” Grosvald. Claro está que Rivas cree que le va a ir bárbaro.

“Claro que me creo gracioso,” dijo Rivas. “¿Qué son los comediantes stand-up si no una bola de pelotudos que se creen graciosos?”

Sin revelar demasiado, Rivas indicó que su monólogo de diez minutos se basa en su perspectiva única como un californiano de 50% descendencia mexicana quien vivió en la Ciudad de México por seis meses en el 2000 y ahora planea volver a los Estados Unidos después de haber vivido 20 meses en Buenos Aires.

“Una mezcla de Bill Hicks y Chespirito,” dijo Rivas.

One Sorry Blog’s resident vanguard film expert Ryan Hernández bugs out at new “Thriller” video

A One Sorry Blog News Service Special

Buenos Aires – The Buenos Aires desk of One Sorry Blog received word early Thursday morning that not even the groundbreaking blog’s resident vanguard film expert, Ryan E. Hernández, could make heads or tails of an important new YouTube video showing a unique rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.

According to One Sorry Blog editor Paul Rivas, the complete text of the email Hernández sent alerting the aforementioned media outlet to the video read as follows: “Seriously, what the fuck is happening here?!”

“I’m proud to say that Mr. Hernández has been an associate of mine since the third grade at Foothill School,” Rivas elaborated, “and let me just add that he knows weirdness when he sees it. If he’s flummoxed by this vid, well, then I recommend everybody stop what she or he is doing and watch it.”

One Sorry Blog has posted 75 news, film, food, TV, music, gambling, Scrabble and corporate office work columns since late February, of which only three (3) have included video.

“Video’s not really our deal,” volunteered Rivas, “so when we post a video, you can rest assured it’s something we back pretty heavily. In fact, if you don’t think this is the most stupefying video you’ve ever seen, ever, I’ll personally give you a dollar. Send me a message on my new Facebook account saying so, and I’ll get a dollar to you before you can say, ‘The Philippines’.”

Over one million people have already viewed the YouTube video in question, which was posted only one week ago. Other videos backed by One Sorry Blog are the comedian Frank Caliendo on Letterman, and Emil Dauncey on the red website Aporrea.org.

Man beginning to suspect girlfriend of abusing the privilege of claiming nicotine withdrawal as an excuse for bitchiness

Nine days after having quit smoking, Clare Nisbet is bitchier than ever.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – Mild-mannered Paul Rivas, who helped his girlfriend quit her most recent cigarette habit by putting her on a rigorous empanada-chocolate program, is beginning to suspect that the wily Scottish woman is now taking the piss out of him and just being bitchy for bitchiness’s sake.

“Dude, it’s been nine days,” Rivas said, shrugging and hands upturned, “and she’s still bossing me around.”

In addition to continuing to complain of withdrawal headaches, Nisbet has taken to demanding that Rivas go buy her “snacks”. Apparently, the crackers, cold cuts, cheese, olives, nuts, yogurt, pudding and chocolate that can usually be found in the Rivas-Nisbet refrigerator do not qualify as quitter-approved snacks. These, according to Nisbet, are cheesy poofs, potato chips, cookies, and flavored potato chips.

“Shut up, quit scratching your balls and go get me some snacks, damn it!” Nisbet could be overheard raging, shortly before a defeated Rivas sulked out the front door in the freezing cold.

Rivas does not take much stock in U.S. government website information stating that nicotine withdrawal symptoms, such as headaches and bitchiness, can last up to several weeks.

“They say it’s different for everybody, and I know Clare is exceptional, but that’s why I put her on the empanada-chocolate program. I really thought she’d be alright by now,” Rivas said in a tone that implied he knew he was fooling himself.

Nisbet has quit smoking before, most recently for a three-month stretch in mid-2006 that ended when Rivas broke up with Nisbet. Needless to say, Nisbet is holding Rivas responsible for her recent bout with the cancer sticks, and will stop at nothing to ensure that although they may be happily together again, she will always have the upper hand when it comes to smoking-related discord.

“Of course it’s his fault! What are you, stupid?! And of course I’m going to make him pay for it by being a bitch whenever I detect an opening to do so. But that’s not what I’m doing right now. Right now I need snacks. SNACKS!,” said Nisbet, in a rare moment of near rationality, before reverting to the bitchiness that has Rivas so concerned. “I know the house is full of food, I’m the one who buys it. But I need snacks, you jerk, now go get me some!”

The effects of Nisbet’s difficult personality of late have been multiplied exponentially due to the amount of time she has been spending in the couple’s apartment, out of fear of being overwhelmed by the temptation to smoke that is omnipresent on the streets of the Argentine capital. Restaurants have only been required to keep smoking patrons in completely enclosed areas since late 2006, smokers buying fresh packs at corner shops are expected to throw the packaging onto the sidewalk and fully one third of the country’s cardiologists are said to smoke.

“The hour or two per day that I can usually steal away for myself are what has kept us together,” Rivas stated in all seriousness. “I’m willing to accept a good amount of responsibility for Clare smoking this time around, but she needs to find another way to deal with her frustration that pushing me out of the way when I’m near the pantry. Like reading all the Harry Potter books over again from the beginning, or something.”

Man’s drastic new attempt to help girlfriend quit smoking seems to be working

Paul Rivas has now kept his girlfriend’s mouth full of empanadas and chocolate for 48 hours.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – In his most drastic attempt to date to help his girlfriend quit smoking, Paul Rivas has now kept her mouth full of empanadas and/or chocolate for 48 straight hours. Rivas initiated the empanada-chocolate program Sunday evening, or approximately 12 hours after Clare Nisbet had promised she would quit smoking.

“There she was, puffing away, playing online poker on both AOL and Facebook, making sure her show was downloading on XTorrent and watching two more shows on television,” recalled Rivas, ” when I thought, ‘Wait a tick, something’s not right here,’ and then I remembered that she swore on Jack Bauer’s life that she would quit smoking that morning. That’s when I suggested we call and have some empanadas delivered.”

Despite being thrown for a loop that Rivas would volunteer to use the telephone to order empanadas, the tasty turnover-ish Argentine snacks that Nisbet has dubbed a ‘super-food’, Nisbet did not suspect Rivas was in fact trying to trick her into not smoking, starting then and there.

With her mouth still full at present, Nisbet has been unable to speak on the Rivas empanada-chocolate method of quitting smoking, but she send this news service the following email, presumably composed between poker hands and during a commercial break:

“Our phone plan requires dialing six digits before the local phone number, which itself has eight digits. Paul hates the phone anyway, and when faced with dialing 14 digits and making a telephone order or just walking the ten blocks to my new favorite empanada place and back, he’d usually rather walk. I should have known. But I’ve got to say, this isn’t a bad program he’s got me on, and I know he’s only doing it because he loves me and wants to live a long life with me.”

Critics of the empanada-chocolate program maintain that feeding one’s girlfriend for 48 hours is cruel and unusual, if not torturous, a concern at which its backers have scoffed, reiterating that empanadas and chocolate are the smoker in question’s two favorite foods.

Furthermore, Rivas would like to remind readers that milder, more accepted methods employed by Nisbet had proven fruitless. She had often instructed her father to hide her cigarettes and give her one at the end of the day, only to end up sneaking around to find where he’d hidden them and smoke three or four at a single go. She had also tried the patch, but found the fear of death by nicotine poisoning to be scant discouragement from smoking with the patch on.

Rivas does admit that his program has required Nisbet to consume “otherwise unhealthy” amounts of Mamá Flora empanadas and Cadbury’s chocolate bars, but maintains that, “a few extra kilos are a small price to pay, health-wise, for all that lung power she’s going to have at her disposal in about a week.”

Rivas hastened to add that he does not anticipate needing to keep Nisbet on the program for the entire week.

“Another 24 hours and she’ll be over the hump, good to go, listo, whatever you want to call it,” Rivas nodded, pumping his fist in solidarity with the chewing Nisbet.

Snow falls in Buenos Aires for first time since 1918

First snow in 89 years renders city man’s trip to Patagonia with in-laws two weeks ago ‘a big fat waste of time’.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – Snow fell yesterday in the Argentine capital for the first time since 1918. Millions of porteños who would ordinarily be staying indoors and drinking mate beside gas heaters to stay warm were prompted, however illogically, to take long walks and marvel at the falling white stuff in the freezing cold.

“It was obvious that the silly bastards didn’t know what to make of it. The streets were full of people walking around with idiotic smiles on their faces, as if they’d never seen snow before. One woman was even carrying an umbrella,” commented Paul Rivas, a Southern California native who has been living in Buenos Aires since January 2006.

“I guess it’s understandable, though,” Rivas continued, “most of these people have actually never seen snow before. As a matter of fact, when we moved here last year, I asked our old doorman if it ever snowed here, and he said it hadn’t in like 88 years. I guess he was right.”

Rivas’s wife-to-be, Clare Nisbet, grew up in Arctic Scotland, and knows all about snow. However, Rivas had never seen snow fall until Nisbet’s parents took the young couple on a vacation to Bariloche, in Argentine Patagonia, just two weeks ago, during which Rivas could be found frolicking in the fresh powder for hours with an idiotic smile on his face.

“Tell me about it!” Rivas exclaimed. “Clearly, that trip to the Andes Mountains was just a big fat waste of time. If I’dve known it was going to snow in Buenos Aires, I’dve holed up right here and waited for it, instead of weathering eight days of traveling with the in-laws.”

When reminded that after the aforementioned vacation, Rivas had determined that he likes Nisbet’s parents better than he likes her, the woman he is to marry, he just shrugged and said, “Yeah, well what does that tell you? Nothing, that’s what. That and two pesos will buy you a Coca Light.”

For her part, Nisbet assured this news service that she took, “plenty of pictures yesterday of Paul dancing around with his tongue out trying to catch snow flakes, looking awfully silly.”

After two-week visit, man discovers he likes future in-laws better than fiancée

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – One day after his future in-laws returned to California after their two-week visit to Argentina, Paul Rivas has decided that he likes Mary and Roger Nisbet better than their daughter Clare Nisbet, to whom he is supposed to eventually be married.

“It’s a no-brainer, really,” said Rivas. “Mary and Roger are a lot less work than Clare, and they’re still interested in what I have to say.”

Rivas is referring to the fact that Clare stopped listening to him a long time ago.

“Are you kidding me?” Nisbet scoffed, “when he asks me if he ever told her about the time that he and Bubba met some weirdoes in some plaza in Europe, I just do my Chris Rock voice and say, ‘Yes you told me about the time! Why don’t you get yourself kidnapped and have some new shit happen to you?!’”

During their two-week stay in Argentina, the Scottish Nisbets took their daughter and Rivas on a weeklong Patagonian vacation to Bariloche and El Bolsón, during which Rivas saw snow fall for the first time in his 28 years.

“I’d never spent so much time with Mary and Roger before,” Rivas commented, “and I was mildly concerned that I would get sick of them, but I needn’t have been. They’re great, and I’m sad to see them go, especially since I’m stuck here with Clare.”

While all three Nisbets were busy scheming ways for Mary and Roger to be able to send their Argentine vacation, Rivas was doing everything he could to get rid of his betrothed and have her parents all to himself. Citing his lack of snow experience, he let Clare drive the rental car in Bariloche, something he never would have done before he knew what kind, fun, generous people his future in-laws were.

Rivas thought he had won when Clare drove the car off the slick road and into a snowdrift, thinking she would clearly have a breakdown and stomp off, leaving him to enjoy the rest of the holiday with her parents, but she seemed relatively unfazed by the episode. When Clare again lost control of the vehicle on a steep, icy downhill, sending the car into a 180-degree spin and backward slide down the road, Rivas was certain the front driver’s side would have borne the brunt of the collision with the closest parked car, but the collision never came.

“That just goes to show how stubborn she is,” said Rivas, “which is precisely what makes living with her so difficult. It would have been a lot easier for her to go home and leave me to drink coffee and wine all day with her parents, just like it would be a lot easier if she didn’t put all that energy into insisting that I make the bed everyday, but she hung in there, and continues to boss me around at home.”

As for the elder Nisbets, all they would say was that they had a lovely vacation and it was a pleasure to see Clare, whom they love, and Paul, whose company they thoroughly enjoyed.

When asked if she thought this was perhaps a veiled indication that her parents share Rivas’s feelings, and like him better than her, Clare just smirked and said, “None of that really matters, does it? They’re all stuck with me. Mwah, ha ha ha ha ha ha, MWAH, HA HA HA HA HA HA.”