One Sorry Blog

Santa Barbarans in Buenos Aires ‘thrilled to bits’ that the Herald finally printed something worth reading.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires - Santa Barbaran Ryan Spilborghs, whose father once loaned the life artist Bubba Ray Robison $1 to buy a hot dog at the Little League field which the latter never repaid, finally made the Buenos Aires Herald Tuesday.

Starting in right field for the Colorado Rockies, Spilborghs, “homered twice and drove in a career-high six runs,” as described in the Herald. The usually worthless English-language newspaper went on to say that, “Spilborghs hit a solo homer off Baltimore starter Erik Bedard in the fourth, then stroked a two-run single the next inning to snap a 1-all tie. He capped his career day with a three-run blast off reliever John Parrish in the seventh.”

Clare Nisbet, who attended The High with Spilborghs, said, “Are you kidding me? Two jacks? Are you kidding me? And he’s not even on the juice!”

Paul Rivas had been scouring the Herald’s baseball coverage for the last 16 months, hoping to see Spilborghs’ name.

“It’s exceedingly rare that there be anything worth reading in the Herald,” said Rivas. “And that a real Santa Barbaran like Spilborghs, who played in the Goleta Valley South Little League and went to Santa Barbara High and UCSB, be so deservingly celebrated in this horseshit newspaper is just awesome. Usually, Clare buys the paper for the crossword and throws the rest away, and who can blame her?”

Around the Buenos Aires desk of One Sorry Blog, Ryan Spilborghs is unanimously agreed to be the ‘nicest guy ever’.

“I worked with the baseball team when he had that 35-game hitting streak in his sophomore year at UCSB,” remembered Rivas, “and in the middle of the streak, when he could have been stomping around like a madman, trying to get into the zone, he offered to lend me a glove so that I could shag batting practice.”

Craps 101, Part 2: The Advanced Course (***Plus NBA Playoff Picks)
The Odds, the Come, Single-Roll Bets, Multi-Roll Bets, and Buying Numbers – The things that normally confuse new craps players, and how to increase your chances of making lots of money.
By Ace Cummins

“A lady doesn’t wander all over the room and blow on some other guy’s dice.” - Frank Sinatra

So if you read Part 1 of Craps 101, you should be well versed in the basics of the most rowdy, raucous and downright fun table game in Vegas. Basically, now you know when you want to and when you don’t want to roll a 7. In craps, 7 is the most commonly rolled number (statistically), and the art of making money at the table hinges around rolling or not rolling a 7. Most of the time, it’s not rolling a 7, or big red.

The Odds
Wandering around Vegas, you might find some establishments offering better odds at their craps tables. These places are worth seeking out. Standard odds at a craps table is 2x. However, it is not uncommon to see places offer 5x, 10x or even 100x odds. I highly suggest playing at these places. The odds in craps are not referring to payouts or chances of winning. They are simply referring to the amount of money you can wager behind the line (BTL). Last week, you learned that BTL bets are THE best odds in Vegas. If you can find a table with 5x odds, you can make your BTL five times greater than your pass line bet. Most places only allow you to double your pass line bet. So rather than backing up your $5 pass line bet with $10, you can back it with $25. And if you find a 100x odds table (and you have large gonads), you can back your $5 pass line bet with $500. What’s not to love about that?

The Come
For a craps beginner, nothing gets more confusing than watching the guy next to him play the come. However, it really isn’t all that confusing. The rules for come wagers are the exact same as the pass line except they can only be made after the come-out roll. If the initial roll the come bet is made on is a 7 or 11, it wins (just like the pass line), and if it is craps (a 2, 3 or 12) it loses. If the roll is a point (4, 5, 6, 8, 9, or 10) then the come bet will be moved by the dealer onto a box in front of him representing that number (this is due to limited space on the table). If the point is rolled again before a 7, the bet wins. If big red, or 7, comes before the point of the come bet, the bet loses. The great thing about the come bet is that BTL odds can also be placed on a come bet just like a normal pass line bet. So instead of having to wait for another come out roll to get the best odds in Vegas, you can get the odds with every roll of the dice by playing the come. When you play the come and a point is established, the dealer (not the player) places the BTL odds bet on top of the bet in the box, again because of limited space, slightly offset to signify that it is an odds bet and not part of the original come bet.

One tricky part of come bets is that if the shooter makes his point, a player can find himself in the situation where he has a come bet (possibly with odds on it) and the next roll is a come-out roll. In this situation, the BTL odds bets on the come wagers are by default not working for the come-out roll. That means that if the shooter rolls a 7 on the come-out roll, any players with active come bets waiting for a come-point lose their initial wager but will have their odds money returned to them. And if the come-point is rolled, the odds do not win but the come bet does and the odds are returned. However, the player has the option to tell the dealer that he wants his odds working, such that if the shooter rolls a number that matches the come point, the odds bet will win along with the come bet, and if a 7 is rolled both lose.

You will also notice that there is also a don’t come box on the table. A don’t come bet is the opposite of a come bet in that the player is betting that craps will come on the next roll instead of 7 or 11, or that if a come point is made, that value won’t be rolled again before a 7. It pays just as don’t pass and also has odds in the same way. But you would have figured that out yourself, right?

Placing Numbers
Since playing the come can become very expensive, a good bet for new players is to simply place bets on numbers after the come out roll. The downside of doing this is that you do not get the same true odds as BTL bets. However, it is a less expensive way to make money during rounds. Players can place bets on certain individual numbers (4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10) by placing their wager in the come area and telling the dealer, place the 6 or place the 8. Place bets are bets that the number bet on will be rolled before a 7 is rolled. If you decide to bet on the numbers, make sure you bet the correct amount of money, or you will be losing out on your maximum payout. If you bet on 6 or 8 the odds are 7:6, so bet in multiples of $6. Betting on 5 or 7 pays 7:5 and 4 or 10 pays 9:5, so bet in multiples of $5. The most exciting part about playing the numbers is that these bets are multi-roll bets and remain on the board until a shooter craps out. It is commonplace to see players press their placed number bets. This means that if the number they bet on is rolled, instead of collecting their full winnings they want to double their bet. A simple $6 bet on 6 or 8 pressed twice pays $28 dollars each time 6 rolled from that point on. Not too shabby.

Single Roll Bets
These are exactly what they sound like – bets that only last for one roll. For the most part, they are considered sucker bets, but there are a few that are worthwhile to know and learn.

Numbers (rarely bet these):
Yo: Wins if the shooter rolls 11.
3 (acey-deucey): Wins if shooter rolls a 3.
2 (snake eyes): Wins if shooter rolls a 2.
12 (box cars): Wins if shooter rolls a 12.
2 or 12 (hi-lo): Wins if shooter rolls a 2 or 12. The stickman places this bet on the line dividing the 2 and 12 bets.
The payout for these bets is usually listed right on the felt of the table. The chances of these hitting versus the actual payout is terrible. So unless you are having an ESP moment, stay away from these bets.

The Common Single-Roll Bets (I like these bets in certain situations):
Craps: Wins if the shooter rolls 2, 3 or 12.
C&E: A combined bet, a player is betting half his bet on craps and the other half on yo (11). One of the two bets will always lose, the other may win. I like betting the C&E when I am the shooter.
Any 7, or big red: Wins if the shooter rolls a 7.

The Worst (only donkeys bet the field – don’t be a donkey):
Field: This bet is a wager that one of the numbers 2, 3, 4, 9, 10, 11, or 12 will appear on the next roll of the dice. This bet typically pays more 2:1 if 2 or 12 is rolled, and 1:1 if 3, 4, 9, 10 or 11 is rolled. Unlike the other proposition bets, which are handled by the dealers or stickman, the field bet is placed directly by the player.

Notables:
The Horn: This is a bet that involves betting on 1 unit each for 2, 3, 11 and 12 at the same time. The bet is actually four separate bets, and pays off depending on which number is actually rolled, minus three units for the other three losing bets. Some players do a Horn High bet, which involves betting an additional $1 on one of the four choices, with the most frequent being a $5 horn high yo bet (which means $2 on the 11, $1 each on 2, 3 & 12).
Whirl or World: This bet is a five-unit bet that is a combination of a horn and any-7 bet, with the idea that if a 7 is rolled the bet is a push, because the money won on the 7 is lost on the horn portions of the bet.
The Hard Ways (or Hardaways): Hard ways are multi-roll bets that are usually placed after a point has been established. A hard way bet is wagering that the shooter will throw a specific hard way (either 4, 6, 8 or 10), before he throws a 7 (craps out) or the corresponding easy way. A hard way is when both dice show identical values, so 2-2 is a hard way 4, 3-3 is a hard way 6, etc. When things are going well at a table, I like to throw a hard way bet when an even numbered point is thrown. It’s also a great way to get the dealers involved by placing a bet for the boys on the point’s hard way.
Big 6 and 8: If you find a table with these bets on them, ignore them. I won’t even tell you what these bets are because they are terrible. A total waste of your time. Don’t bet on these under any circumstances.

Crap Notes
The shooter is not supposed to handle the dice with more than one hand. (i.e. use only one hand when rolling the dice).

The shooter is expected to hit the furthest wall of the table when throwing the dice. A roll that doesn’t hit the wall may be considered invalid.

The shooter is usually allowed to school or set the dice in a particular configuration (with one hand) prior to rolling as long as it doesn’t slow down the pace of the game. However, some casinos have no setting rules.

Ace (and many others) considers it bad luck to say the word “seven” at a craps table. “Big Red” is the commonplace alternative.

Ace considers it bad luck when the shooter rolls off the table. More often than not, when a shooter rolls off the table, he has done so because he is a donkey. His next roll is usually a 7 and a crap out. So when a donkey rolls off the table, Ace usually pulls back any bets that he can and places a large bet on Big Red. Ace has been known to say, “$10 on 7!” loud enough for everyone to hear him when someone rolls off the table. This is the only time he will say “seven” while at the table.

Women are much better shooters than men. Ace usually bets more when women are shooting. Ace also has been known to bet the dark side (don’t pass) when donkeys have the dice in hand.

While it is mathematically a slightly better bet, wrong bettors (people who bet “don’t pass”) are considered to bring bad luck to the table. So if you go to a table to bet the dark side, be prepared. For social deviants, the dark side can be lots of fun.

***

For More Easy Money…

This Weekend’s Picks:
Spurs (+2) @ Jazz
If the Jazz are going to win a game this series, this is it, so my pick is a bit counter-intuitive. However, I think the Spurs defense is just too good for the Jazz. Plus, the Jazz aren’t playing the Warriors anymore. They might not be as good as we think they are.

Pistons @ Cavs (-3.5) *****My 5-Star Pick*****
The Pistons had some trouble on the road against the Nets and Cleveland has been waiting for this game since Lebron was drafted. Those two factors equal a Cavs blowout, making this my 5-star pick of the week.

Ace Cummins: 11-4-1 overall, 4-0 on 5-star picks

Craps 101, Part 1: The Basics
The Pass line, Yo, Craps, Point and Coming Out – What are these things that you hear at a craps table and what do they all mean?
By Ace Cummins

Without a doubt, the best table game to play in Las Vegas is craps. This is for many reasons, but mainly because you get the best odds of any gaming venture and it’s a helluva a lot of fun. Some of my earliest and best gambling memories came at a craps table. Who could forget being 19 years old and turning 20 bucks into 350 in under an hour? However, many people are intimidated by craps because they don’t understand the rules, the lingo or how to play. In reality, craps is a very simple game that anyone who can count to 12 and understands high school algebra can grasp in 15 minutes. (Wikipedia was used to help present this information in a coherent manner.)

The Basics
Craps is a dice game played with two regulation dice, and can be played by as few as one or as many as a dozen gamblers. The more the merrier, because when the game is going well, it’s a party time. When you hear a group of people cheering loudly in a casino, chances are they’re at a craps table.

The key number in craps is 7. The entire game revolves around rolling or not rolling 7. Players take turns rolling two dice in rounds. The roller, known as the shooter, will roll a minimum of one complete round until he or she loses or craps out. This can be as few as two rolls or go on infinitely if the shooter never craps out. If you hear about somebody rolling for half an hour or longer at a craps table, that person and the people around them probably made a lot of money and blew it on strippers. After a shooter craps out, the dice are passed clockwise around the table to the next player. Players have the option to pass on their turn as the shooter – shooting is not required – but you should know that chicks dig shooters.

The Coming Out Roll
The basic bet in craps is the pass line. A pass line bet is a bet that the shooter will win the round. That being said, a don’t pass bet is… you guessed it: a bet that the shooter will lose or crap out in the upcoming round. This is what I refer to as the dark side. A bet on the dark side (or don’t pass line) means you are betting against the shooter (and likely most of the table). You will garner strange looks and stares, but if you can hack it, money can be made.

The first roll of any round is the coming out roll. The shooter must lay the table minimum bet on the pass or don’t pass line while rolling. Three things can happen on the first roll. First and best is that the player wins on a pass line bet (or loses a don’t pass bet) by rolling 7 or 11. This is known as winner seven or yo eleven (yo for short). If a bettor places five bucks on the pass line and the shooter rolls a winner seven or yo, the bettor just won five bucks. Sweet! Second possibility on the coming out roll is that the shooter loses a pass line bet (or wins a don’t pass bet) by rolling a 2, 3 or 12. These rolls are commonly referred to as snake eyes (1 and 1), acey deucey (1 and 2) and boxcars (6 and 6). These numbers are all known as craps. If a bettor places five bucks on the pass line and the shooter rolls a 2, 3 or 12, the bettor just lost five bucks. Boo! The third and most common thing that will happen on the coming out roll is that the shooter will establish the point. Rolling a 4, 5, 6, 8, 9 or 10 on a coming out roll establishes that roll as the point. If a bettor places a pass line bet and the coming out roll is one of those numbers, then the round begins. If a 2, 3, 7, 11 or 12 is rolled, the pass and don’t pass bets are paid or removed from the table and the next roll is again a coming out roll. A point must be established for a round to begin.

The Point
When a point is established, the table’s two dealers will mark the point by flipping over a large round black marker (about the size of a coaster) to its white side and placing it on that number in front of them. This indicates that a point has been established and what the point is. Now the game gets cooking and this is where most people get lost. However, the basics here are also simple. If you have a pass line bet down and a point is established, in order for you to win that pass line bet, the shooter must roll the established point before rolling a 7. If the shooter rolls a 7 before the established point, the shooter has crapped out and the player to the left of the losing shooter has the option to be the new shooter. However, if the shooter hits the point prior to rolling a 7, all pass line bets are winners and are paid even money.

Behind the Line
Winning on the pass line when the shooter hits his point is all well and good, but the real money is made behind the line. If you have a bet down on the pass or don’t pass lines, when a point is established the bettor has the option to place a bet backing up the original bet. For instance, if the point is 6, the player can place up to two times his line bet behind the line, betting that a 6 will or will not be rolled before a 7 is rolled (depending on whether you bet the pass or don’t pass line). Rather than getting even money on this bet, when a bettor backs up the pass line on a point of 6, he gets 6:5 odds, meaning that for every five bucks he bets, he will win six. The behind the pass line odds of 6:5 apply to points of 6 or 8. If the point is 5 or 7, the odds are 3:2. And if the point is 4 or 10, the odds are 2:1. For behind the line bets on the don’t pass line, just flip the odds (example: 1:2 against 4 or 10). The thing to note here is that these are the best odds in Vegas. The house edge is literally 0%. Yes, that’s right, 0%! The house has about a 1.4% edge on the pass and don’t pass lines (almost the same as a good Blackjack player) and up to a 16% edge on some single roll bets in craps. Basically, if you’re playing craps, you’re playing to make behind the line bets, so you better lay that money down behind that line.

Odds Breakdown
Pass - 1:1
Don’t Pass - 1:1
BTL Pass - 2:1 on 4 or 10, 3:2 on 5 or 9, 6:5 on 6 or 8
BTL Don’t Pass - 1:2 against 4 or 10, 2:3 against 5 or 9, 5:6 against 6 or 8

Those are the craps basics. If you want to learn, grab a set of dice and practice betting on yourself, taking the pass or don’t pass line many times in a row, and backing up each bet BTL. See how much money you can make. Once you get this down, you can go on to Part 2 next week, when we unlock the mystery of the come bet, playing the numbers, single roll bets, the hardaways and sucker bets. And, of course, taking care of the boys.

“Seven and eleven and I’m takin’ [people’s] money.” - Ice Cube

And now for Easy Money
NBA Refs are homers. I just can’t take a road team in a game 6. I just can’t.

Tonight’s Picks:
Cavs @ Nets (-3)
Kidd and Co.

Suns @ Spurs (-3)
Eva’s dude and Co.

Ace Cummins: 10-3-1 overall, 4-0 on 5-star picks

It’s a Good Time to Be a Sports Fan
By Ace Cummins

In the recent past, the first round of the NBA Playoffs and the beginning of the MLB season haven’t piqued my interest. Maybe it’s because the NBA Playoffs haven’t been that competitive, and/or boring, and my teams in MLB have been disappointing to say the least. But this year it’s different. There are some great stories and great games in the NBA Playoffs, and I find myself watching complete baseball games in April! A good time, indeed.

A few months back I thought the Mavs were an absolute lock to win the title this year. But now… not so much. I still think they are the favorite, but they are quite vulnerable. Even their first round match-up with the eighth seed Warriors has them in a tough spot. The Warriors looked like a team that wouldn’t quit in game one, holding on to the upset victory. Game two, however, they fell apart almost instantly and looked like they would be their own worst enemy and have no chance at another win.

But that’s what makes tonight’s game three so compelling. Which team will show up? Will the Warriors’ first home playoff game in 13 years give the team the lift they need? Watch tonight to find out. And if you don’t get a close game filled with big shots and exciting plays, there’s a good chance you’ll see a team melt down and get a bunch of T’s. What’s not to like?

As for baseball, if you are a fan of our beloved pastime, what’s not to like this season? There are so many stories and so many great performances. A-Rod in April? Are you friggin’ kidding me? And the Yankees are still under .500? Nice. Have you seen Jonathan Papelbon pitch? If not, you should. He might be the most dominant pitcher I have seen in a decade. Seeing him pitch the ninth is worth the price of admission alone. And Dice-K? His gyroball? Good stuff. At least it has us talking baseball again.

This weekend’s picks:
Tonight
Boston Red Sox (D. Matsuzaka) (+122) @ NY Yankees (A. Pettitte)
If you plan to watch any baseball this weekend, this is the series to watch. Duh. And Dice-K vs. Pettitte is the premier matchup. As a must watch game, you gotta throw some ducats on it. The Red Sox swept the Yanks at home last weekend. Will the Bronx Bombers be able to turn the tide? I say no. The Sox are the better team right now and I think Dice- K has proven his composure and will rise to the occasion. Plus, Papelbon is the new Mariano. The Sox only play eight innings when he pitches.

Dallas Mavericks @ GS Warriors (+4.5)
I have struggled with this one. I thought the Warriors would be a lock in this game, but after the game two fiasco I am not feeling so solid about their team maturity. But the crowd is going to be pumped and we can’t forget that game two was the only time the Mavs have beaten the Warriors this entire season. Gotta take a home playoff dog in a game that is destined to be high energy and likely very close.

Saturday
Cleveland Cavs (-4.5) @ Washington Wizards *****My 5-Star Pick*****
Lebron = good. Wizards = not good. Cavs have played terribly and have still won the first two quite easily. All the criticism King James and crew are taking right now will be taken out on the depleted Wizards.

Detroit Pistons (-4) @ Orlando Magic
Maybe this should be my 5-star pick. But it is an elimination game, so anything can happen. However, if you can name the leading scorer on the Magic, I’d be surprised. They are TERRIBLE. And have been for a long time. The day they signed Grant Hill was the day the franchise died. This team would have won 20 games if they were in the Western Conference.

Ace Cummins: 7-3 overall, 3-0 on 5-star picks

Gators, Baby
By Ace Cummins

I am sorry if I let you down and didn’t post my picks for the Final Four on Friday. If you were waiting for them to place your bets, I apologize and hope I can make it up with today’s special Monday edition.

I admit it, I don’t like Florida. I don’t want to see them win it all… again. But you know what, that means two shits in a world full of toilets (does that make sense?). The facts are this: Florida had dominated, I mean dominated, all three of the Final Four games they have played in the last two years (winning by an average of over 13 points/game). Why should tonight be any different? It won’t. Gators will win by the measly 5 points they are giving up in Vegas. Rest assured. Hey, I’d love to see the Buckeyes pull off the upset, but they truly are overmatched at every position (yes this includes Oden). Oden is a beast and a true talent, but will be no match for the always solid play of Florida’s post players. Plus, add Green, Humphrey and Brewer (the guy I love to hate) and the Buckeyes freshman-led backcourt will be seeing double (or triples actually) all game long. Buckeyes will be Gator Bait tonight.

For the record:

Ohio State vs. Florida (-5)
Not only will Florida repeat as National Champions, the Gators will hold the National Championship in the two biggest collegiate sports during the same season. In-sane! It may never happen again. Obvy.

Editor’s Note:
Ace Cummins: 6-3 overall, 3-0 last week, 3-0 on 5-Star picks.
Eat Me (or, One White Woman Overcomes her Racial Handicap and Prepares Damn Tasty Food from Around the World) will next appear Monday, April 9, and then Monday, April 23. Notes from the Film Vanguard (or, I Watch Disturbing Movies So You Don’t Have To) will debut this Thursday on One Sorry Blog.

One Sorry Blog’s mission to publish information provided by underpaid experts in various fields for the benefit of the general public proved worthy yesterday, as One Sorry Blog’s Resident Gambler Ace Cummins, making his picks from China, finished the weekend 3-0, including killing his 5-Star pick for the third consecutive week. Ace Cummins is now 6-3 overall and 3-for-3 on his weekly 5-Star picks during March Madness.

More than a few readers of One Sorry Blog have won more than a few dirham with Gambling Is Easy (or, You’ve Heard of Ace Rothstein? Well This Is Ace Cummins). One Sorry Blog’s own Buenos Aires Desk doubled its petty cash fund by heeding Ace Cummins’ analysis of the Ohio State and UCLA games, inspired after seeing that the 7.5 points for Vanderbilt responsible for Ace Cummins almost shitting himself were 6.5 too many.

Whatever it costs you to read One Sorry Blog, get it back by reading Gambling Is Easy (or, You’ve Heard of Ace Rothstein? Well This Is Ace Cummins) next Friday. One Sorry Blog is the blog that pays for itself.

Lesson #3: Jetlag Is the Real Deal
By Ace Cummins

Jetlag might have nothing to do with gambling on college hoops, but it sure is a bitch. You see, believe it or not, Ace has a real job. He has a real desk at a real office, and collects a steady paycheck. He doesn’t just rely on his 5-Star picks to pay the rent, though he could. He also likes to refer to himself in the third person. In any event, if you have been paying attention to – and hopefully wagering on – his 5-Star picks, you could have already paid your rent this month. What are you waiting for? Although he is only 3-3 overall, Ace is a perfect 2-0 on his 5-Star picks, and Vegas is noticing.

Now back to the first person. And my job, which actually has me in China this week. Shanghai, to be exact. But have no fear, thanks to Slingbox I have been able to watch my March Madness. I haven’t been here long enough to give you the full scoop on China, but this place is amazing. Truly a must for anyone who considers him (or her) self a traveler. Inquiries about Shanghai can be directed to ace.osb@gmail.com.

And now to make some money. My picks:

Vanderbilt (+7.5) vs. Georgetown
I almost shit myself when I saw this line. That is easily 1.5 points too many to give. Have you been watching games? At this stage there just aren’t any blowouts. Vandy is tough and will want to slow it down against a very solid and well-rounded Georgetown. They know they don’t match up athletically, but they have one of the best players left in the whole tourney. They want it low scoring and, that being the case, 7.5 is freaking ridículo. Take the points (and the money).

Memphis vs. Ohio State (-1.5) ***** My 5-Star Pick*****
How can you make THE Ohio State University your 5-Star pick after two scrapers to advance to the Regional Finals? For just that reason. At first I thought my bias against Memphis was getting in the way and I was giving the Oden Crew too much clout. But seriously, Memphis had no reason beating Texas A&M and should just be happy to be there. Oden and Co. have a lot to prove and will come out hungry. Seriously, if OSU had won by 10 yesterday the line would easily be above five. OSU in a blowout.

UCLA (+2.5) vs. Kansas
This one comes down to experience. Both on and off the court. UCLA has been there done that, and looked awfully good against Pitt at controlling the tempo. Then you look at Howland vs. Self. No contest. Bruins will be ready, and I don’t think Self knows what to expect. UCLA in a grinder. Money line, anyone?

Lesson #2: Good Coaches Win, Great Coaches Cover
By Ace Cummins

It might be a slogan for The Old Pro Sports Bar in Palo Alto, but it is wise beyond its letters. (The Old Pro is highly recommended if you happen to be stuck in PA – it is one of the few quality sports bars in the Bay Area). In the world of gambling it is never enough to just win, and sometimes it’s not so bad if the team you wagered on loses. Just so long as they cover. Some coaches do just that and that, says The Old Pro, is what makes them great.

You gotta love March Madness, and the lone NCAA Tourney game we have had so far saw Niagara defeat Florida A&M 77-69. Would you be surprised if I told you that Niagara was an eight-point favorite? Absolutely not, because the lines makers are damn good.

I hope you all profited immensely from my solid first week as a “published gambler”, in which I nailed my 5-star pick and went 2-1 overall. Did Vegas notice? We’ll see if the lines change after my picks go live.

So without further ado, Ace’s picks for opening weekend:

Oral Roberts (+6.5) vs. Washington State
It’s hard for me to go against a West Coast team, but this game has nail-biter written all over it. This one will go down to the wire and six and a half are way too many points for what is projected to be a low scoring game. Even if the game is not as close as I think it will be, that many points are hard to give, and sooooo easy to take. Plus, it’s the tourney and dogs aren’t dogs in March.

Winthrop (+4) vs. Notre Dame *****My 5-Star Pick*****
What conference are these guys in? Who cares? These guys are the hot pick right now and for good reason. They can flat our play. The have the experience, the heart and the coach (see lesson #2) that makes them the perfect fit for the glass slipper. Did someone say, “George Mason?” This line will be 3.5 by the time I wake up tomorrow. Trust me. If you can still get four points, jump on it. I think 3.5 is still good, and I love the money line.

Villanova (-1) vs. Kentucky
This game started as a pick-‘em, and has already moved a full point. Likely to be 1.5 by the morning, too. When lines swing, you know people are heavily betting one way, and when that happens with so many games to choose from, jump on the bandwagon. As I said last week, Kentucky is overrated and the gamblers out there obviously agree. Maybe Vegas saw my 5-star pick of the week last week and took notice. Either way, Villanova is a great free throw shooting team, so come crunch time, you’ll be glad you have money on ‘em.

You asked for it and you got it:

Sucker Bet of the Week:

Virginia Commonwealth vs. Duke (-6.5)
Duke is not that good and VCU really thinks they will win. They might not, but Duke on a normal year would we 19 point favs in a contest like this. That should tell you something. Now Coach K gets every call, so I would never bet on VCU, but Duke is a Sucker Bet if I ever saw one.

Top Five Reasons to Watch March Madness on CBS
By Julie Nisbet

The Network TV Slut is taking a break from her regularly scheduled programming and telling you why 24 is the best show on television to inform you of the top five reasons to watch March Madness on CBS.

5. For all you office-bound folk trying to master One Sorry Blog’s Art of Faking Work: the ALT + TAB option in Windows, along with 30-second updates on ESPN.com, now allows us quick access to the games ALL day long, while still giving the appearance of working hard on your TPS Reports. Fill out a bracket, shell out 5 bucks to enter your office pool, and seriously, Thursday and Friday at work have never gone faster. There are games on ALL day, scores are constantly being updated, and you can quickly switch back to that report the second you hear your boss’s squeaky shoes. Don’t forget to fill out the bracket though. When #12 Arkansas upsets the #5 Trojans in the first round, it won’t mean as much unless you have money at stake.

4. The new NBA rule that has kept Greg Oden, Kevin Durant and all those other amazingly talented 18-year-olds out of the pros this year. It’s true that many people think this rule has ruined college basketball, because these kids don’t go to class, drag down graduation rates (not that Ohio State’s could be much lower), and generally couldn’t care less about whatever school they’re going to. Regardless of whether it’s a good or bad thing, they make for incredibly entertaining basketball and this year’s freshman class is a reason to tune in this March.

3. For those of you who aren’t so keen on the basketball aspect of March Madness but don’t mind a little eye candy, take a break from drooling over Jack Bauer and Tony Almeda, and check out the tall, good looking, and uber-athletic boys of the NCAA. Sounds like a pretty good reason to watch if you ask me.

2. Because the NBA, NFL, MLB and NHL combined have nothing on Adam Morrison hitting himself in the head with a basketball four times and then crying like a baby at center court after losing to UCLA. You can’t buy intensity like that. That, my friends, is something that only comes with good old American school spirit and watching that intensity sure beats spending yet another hour watching Lost and wondering if the writers will EVER explain the damn polar bear. You won’t find it in any professional sport either. Kobe isn’t going to risk messing up his million-dollar face by smacking himself with a basketball. Why do you think he didn’t go to college?

And finally…the #1 reason you should watch March Madness…

Because Ohio State is overrated, and there is nothing sweeter, after yet another disappointing season for the Wolverines, than to watch an overrated #1 Buckeye team get taken down by an underdog. Seeing this happen twice in three months, in two different sports, will be priceless. Let’s just hope no one gets hurt in the first minute for celebrating an early 3-pointer.

There really is no rhyme or reason to predicting or understanding which bits of the American monoculture will turn up in Buenos Aires, or when. Luckily, One Sorry Blog maintains a Buenos Aires desk to keep readers apprised of developments in this gripping yet oft-overlooked area of cultural studies.

On Sunday, Clare and I went to a birthday party for the tattoo artist who our most recent houseguest flew 8000 miles to hire. There we met a guy called Bruno who was into 24, Heroes, Dr. House, the original Office and Ali G. He’d got hip to all this stuff online, and never watches TV. But Heroes debuted in Argentina last week, 24 is half a season behind and pretty much any standard American television series can be seen on TV in Buenos Aires. My boss here is a lifetime viewer of Melrose, 90210, Dawson’s Creek and a million other programs that I would have been hard-pressed to identify if I saw on television before I started hanging out with Clare, a tried and true Network TV Slut. (Incidentally, One Sorry Blog looks forward to having Clare’s younger sister, Little Julie, a Network TV Slut in her own right, begin writing an eponymous column very soon.)

Last night, I read an article online about all the work that goes into publishing the point spreads for the first 32 games of the NCAA tournament just 45 minutes after the field of 65 teams has been announced. Needless to say, given that not one but a lot of folks are willing to go to such lengths, the NCAA tournament is a huge deal in the U.S. I’d even guess that more people who don’t give two hoots have a stake in the NCAA tournament than the Super Bowl. Yet try to find a college basketball game on television in Argentina before the Final Four and you’ll be disappointed. There are one or two tape-delayed NBA games each shown twice per week, all involving the Argentines Manu Ginobili and Andrés Nocioni or Gilbert Arenas, whose great-grandfather was Cuban.

Yet last night, right here in Buenos Aires, where commercials during the Super Bowl are not the real Super Bowl commercials but instead 30-second explanations of the absurd rules of American football, one of the two ESPN channels was devoted to… wait for it… Arena Football!