Category Archives: One Sorry Blog News Service

Unemployed, 29-year-old scuttles baseball card collection

A One Sorry Blog News Service Special Report

1993 SP Derek Jeter rookie card

Somewhere near the Goleta-Santa Barbara border, California – Today One Sorry Blog Editor Paul Rivas announced a firesale on his baseball card holdings “while supplies last,” encouraging all who have ever had baseball cards to “come out and check out what this crap actually sells for.”

Everyone knows that this is the worst time in the history of the hobby to attempt to sell baseball cards for cash-money, a notion Rivas wholeheartedly accepts, but shrugs off.

Ni modo,” the erstwhile collector said in a statement issued following his all-too-brief announcement.

Rivas knows that to sell a baseball card today is to convince the buyer to forget that it’s only been six weeks since Christmas and he has no money, to inspire him to buck the lethargy of the winter, when there is no more football for a long time, spring training hasn’t started and the pinche NBA isn’t even at the all-star break, and to tell him to forget about steroids already.

Yet now is when the unemployed Rivas has the time to cull 800-count boxes for the one card, rarely two, that will bring a few quid on ebay. And why not? When one dedicates dear time and other resources into a hobby for so many years, as Rivas, a Fernando Valenzuela collector, did, one doesn’t seek material reward. One understands that the selling is all part of the collecting, that the collection has an end and a beginning, usually in the very same place, in Rivas’ case, the hallowed Great American Baseball Cards, his “honorary headquarters”.

Rivas is conducting the One Sorry Blog BASEBALL CARD SELL-OFF on ebay with seller name onesorryblog. Sales totals for Week 1 were $262.71, including an OSBBCSO record $127.50 for a 1994 SP A-Rod PSA 8. Today, Rivas posted a 93 SP Derek Jeter that gambling expert Ace Cummins described as “tits”.

As a card collector, Rivas made two insanely successful speculative deals before he could even drive. Now, he is content in his role as a selling contributor to “the whole deal”. Persuaded to explain to his fellow collectors and readers why he would sell-off, for ha’pennies on the dollar, all the time he had invested as a child, in the form of more Barry Bonds rookie cards than he ever knew he had, Rivas said:

“They take up space, they’re dusty and nobody will pay money for them. For every one that goes on ebay, there are 1000 that are going in the fire. I’ll keep the Santa Barbara Islanders cards, the Gauchos’ cards, the Fernandos, the Travis Frymans, the Bo Jacksons and the Billy Ripken Fuck Face card. The rest of it, chinga su madre. It’s not sad; in fact, I’m quite enjoying it. Getting one last thrill out of the bastards. And ebay is great. So much easier and better than when I last used it eight years ago. There are a few that I’d like to see go to good homes, but otherwise, I could use the money. I’m gonna donate the 30,000 that don’t sell to Rene Spilborghs [father of Santa Barbara native and Colorado Rockies centerfielder Ryan Spilborghs] to use at his discretion. I found out yesterday at Craig’s that he reads One Sorry Blog.”

Article written on bus from Costa Rica to Nicaragua published on independent.com today

A One Sorry Blog News Service Short

An article describing the UCSB men’s soccer team’s trip to Argentina last summer and what it may mean, if anything, for the team’s chances to repeat as NCAA champions, was published on independent.com today. One Sorry Blog editor and co-writer of The Big Schlep, Paul Rivas, wrote the article with a pen in his notebook while on the bus from Costa Rica to Nicaragua.

Publisher reassures readership that blog will continue to provide music, film, network TV and gambling articles written by its team of experts during his four-month overland journey from Buenos Aires to Goleta with blog’s food writer

One Sorry Blog News Service writer Paul Rivas and Eat Me writer Nisbet have created an all-new blog to chronicle the trip: The Big Schlep

One Sorry Blog News Service

Rivas and Nisbet; photo by Greg Roden

Buenos Aires – One Sorry Blog publisher Paul Rivas reassured the groundbreaking blog’s readership that the blog, whose content is provided by a crack team of unpaid experts, would continue to provide the most cutting edge music, film, network TV and gambling articles during the four months that Rivas and girlfriend Clare Nisbet (the blog’s food columnist) will be making their overland journey home from this Argentine capital to Goleta.

The Buenos Aires Desk of One Sorry Blog, which Rivas staffs, closed operations Tuesday afternoon with this news article. Rivas and his beloved are leaving Buenos Aires any day now to begin their trip home after living in the city for 19 months.

Rivas, who also edits the blog and writes the One Sorry Blog News Service, elaborated.

“Clare and I will be focusing on this big schlep of ours. Rather than she continuing to write Eat Me (or, One Woman Overcomes Her Racial Handicap and Prepares Damn Tasty Food from Around the World) and I continuing to write news articles, in addition to playing Scrabble ten times a day trying to make a bingo worthy of the Sunday Scrabble Sweepstakes, we’re going to combine our efforts and write an all-new blog chronicling said schlep: The Big Schlep.”

“Have you ever known anyone to schlep from Buenos Aires to Goleta?” Nisbet asked in her ‘are you kidding me?’ voice. “It’s a schlep!”

Rivas emphasized that the blog’s loyal readership will still have Network TV Slut, Recetas magistrales, Notes from the Film Vanguard, Live from the Analog Playground and Gambling Is Easy to look forward to every other week or so.

Rivas was visibly excited about the future of the blog’s gambling content during his absence. “Ace Cummins just flew in from St. Kitts for the American football season, and he’s ready to make some money.”

Anyone familiar with Ace Cummins’ work on Gambling Is Easy (or, You’ve Heard of Ace Rothstein? Well This Is Ace Cummins!) will be glad to hear the news. Ace Cummins was 11-4-1 overall on spring picks, including a stone-cold 5-0 on “five-star” picks.

In its six-month history, One Sorry Blog has received more than 12,500 page views. Its popularity peaked in the second half of July, when One Sorry Blog averaged more than 100 page views per day for 15 consecutive days and briefly reached the 15th position on the WordPress list of Fastest Growing Blogs. There are over 1,000,000 blogs on WordPress.

One Sorry Blog’s schedule for September-December 2007, during which Eat Me, the One Sorry Blog News Service and the Sunday Scrabble Sweepstakes will be unavailable:
Wednesdays: Network TV Slut
Miércoles: Recetas magistrales
Thursdays: Notes from the Film Vanguard
Thursdays: Live from the Analog Playground
Fridays: Gambling Is Easy

Californian makes stand-up comedy debut in Buenos Aires; videos posted to YouTube

Fan of Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Bill Hicks overcomes early nervousness and only forgets two lines of 11-minute routine.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Buenos Aires – Californian and One Sorry Blog editor Paul Rivas made his stand-up comedy debut Friday at El Bululú comedy theater in Buenos Aires. Playing before an almost-full room of 60 people as a substitute in the Ponele onda! show, Rivas opened the hour-long program.

The Californian, who has been living in Buenos Aires with his girlfriend and muse, Clare Nisbet, since early 2006, had grown increasingly nervous in the few hours immediately preceding his debut.

“Only once I started waiting backstage for the show to start did I realize that it was possible that I might forget everything,” Rivas recalled. “But once I was on stage and people started laughing, things got much easier and the 11 minutes flew by.”

Nisbet was not surprised to see Rivas struggle in the early moments, given that he had apparently given no thought to what performing for a crowd with stage lights in his face might be like.

“All he thought he had to do was write some funny shit and memorize it,” said Nisbet, shaking her head. “Most people would have shit themselves worrying about the crowd, but all he was worried about was whether or not the stuff would be funny.”

Whereas Nisbet was quick to say that she was proud of Rivas, the stand-in comedian himself said that except for the early nervousness, which he hadn’t anticipated, the debut went as expected. He was disappointed to have forgotten two lines of his “Ana con doble N” bit and that the crowd did not take to his “¡toma!” line in reference to a statue of Jesus being whipped at the Holy Land theme park in Buenos Aires.

Rivas has no further performances scheduled and is hesitant to consider doing stand-up in English, stating: “I’m not funny in English.”

Man who thinks he’s funny to make stand-up comedy debut Friday/Hombre que se cree gracioso debutará como comediante stand-up este viernes

One Sorry Blog News Service

This man thinks he can make you laugh Paul Rivas subs for Uri Lichtmann

Buenos Aires – One Sorry Blog editor Paul Rivas will make his stand-up comedy debut Friday, August 3 at El Bululú in Buenos Aires. Rivas will be a one-time substitute in the Ponele onda! stand-up comedy show, which runs Fridays at 10 p.m. at the comedy theater at Rivadavia 1350.

The show will feature three comedians and Rivas, in addition to an MC. As the newcomer, Rivas will be performing first. The U.S. citizen was invited to join the Spanish language stand-up show by its closer, Gabriel “Gabo” Grosvald. Needless to say, Rivas expects to kill.

“Of course I think I’m funny,” said Rivas. “What are stand-up comedians if not a bunch of jerkoffs who think they’re funny?”

Without giving too much away, Rivas indicated that his ten-minute set is based on his unique perspective as a Californian of 50% Mexican descent who lived in Mexico City for six months in 2000 and now plans to return to California after living 20 months in Buenos Aires.

“Think Bill Hicks meets Chespirito,” Rivas said.

***

Buenos Aires – Paul Rivas, el editor de One Sorry Blog, debutará como comediante stand-up este viernes, 3 de agosto, en El Bululú en Buenos Aires. En esta única occasion, Rivas será un suplente en el show de stand-up Ponele onda!, que se presenta los viernes a las 22 hs. en el teatro de comedia ubicado en Rivadavia 1350.

El show incluye a tres comediantes y a Rivas, más el MC. Como el novato, Rivas abrirá el espectáculo. El estadounidense fue invitado a unirse al show de stand-up en castellano por el que lo cierra, Gabriel “Gabo” Grosvald. Claro está que Rivas cree que le va a ir bárbaro.

“Claro que me creo gracioso,” dijo Rivas. “¿Qué son los comediantes stand-up si no una bola de pelotudos que se creen graciosos?”

Sin revelar demasiado, Rivas indicó que su monólogo de diez minutos se basa en su perspectiva única como un californiano de 50% descendencia mexicana quien vivió en la Ciudad de México por seis meses en el 2000 y ahora planea volver a los Estados Unidos después de haber vivido 20 meses en Buenos Aires.

“Una mezcla de Bill Hicks y Chespirito,” dijo Rivas.

One Sorry Blog’s resident vanguard film expert Ryan Hernández bugs out at new “Thriller” video

A One Sorry Blog News Service Special

Buenos Aires – The Buenos Aires desk of One Sorry Blog received word early Thursday morning that not even the groundbreaking blog’s resident vanguard film expert, Ryan E. Hernández, could make heads or tails of an important new YouTube video showing a unique rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.

According to One Sorry Blog editor Paul Rivas, the complete text of the email Hernández sent alerting the aforementioned media outlet to the video read as follows: “Seriously, what the fuck is happening here?!”

“I’m proud to say that Mr. Hernández has been an associate of mine since the third grade at Foothill School,” Rivas elaborated, “and let me just add that he knows weirdness when he sees it. If he’s flummoxed by this vid, well, then I recommend everybody stop what she or he is doing and watch it.”

One Sorry Blog has posted 75 news, film, food, TV, music, gambling, Scrabble and corporate office work columns since late February, of which only three (3) have included video.

“Video’s not really our deal,” volunteered Rivas, “so when we post a video, you can rest assured it’s something we back pretty heavily. In fact, if you don’t think this is the most stupefying video you’ve ever seen, ever, I’ll personally give you a dollar. Send me a message on my new Facebook account saying so, and I’ll get a dollar to you before you can say, ‘The Philippines’.”

Over one million people have already viewed the YouTube video in question, which was posted only one week ago. Other videos backed by One Sorry Blog are the comedian Frank Caliendo on Letterman, and Emil Dauncey on the red website Aporrea.org.

Man beginning to suspect girlfriend of abusing the privilege of claiming nicotine withdrawal as an excuse for bitchiness

Nine days after having quit smoking, Clare Nisbet is bitchier than ever.

One Sorry Blog News Service

Snacks demanded by Clare Nisbet

Buenos Aires – Mild-mannered Paul Rivas, who helped his girlfriend quit her most recent cigarette habit by putting her on a rigorous empanada-chocolate program, is beginning to suspect that the wily Scottish woman is now taking the piss out of him and just being bitchy for bitchiness’s sake.

“Dude, it’s been nine days,” Rivas said, shrugging and hands upturned, “and she’s still bossing me around.”

In addition to continuing to complain of withdrawal headaches, Nisbet has taken to demanding that Rivas go buy her “snacks”. Apparently, the crackers, cold cuts, cheese, olives, nuts, yogurt, pudding and chocolate that can usually be found in the Rivas-Nisbet refrigerator do not qualify as quitter-approved snacks. These, according to Nisbet, are cheesy poofs, potato chips, cookies, and flavored potato chips.

“Shut up, quit scratching your balls and go get me some snacks, damn it!” Nisbet could be overheard raging, shortly before a defeated Rivas sulked out the front door in the freezing cold.

Rivas does not take much stock in U.S. government website information stating that nicotine withdrawal symptoms, such as headaches and bitchiness, can last up to several weeks.

“They say it’s different for everybody, and I know Clare is exceptional, but that’s why I put her on the empanada-chocolate program. I really thought she’d be alright by now,” Rivas said in a tone that implied he knew he was fooling himself.

Nisbet has quit smoking before, most recently for a three-month stretch in mid-2006 that ended when Rivas broke up with Nisbet. Needless to say, Nisbet is holding Rivas responsible for her recent bout with the cancer sticks, and will stop at nothing to ensure that although they may be happily together again, she will always have the upper hand when it comes to smoking-related discord.

“Of course it’s his fault! What are you, stupid?! And of course I’m going to make him pay for it by being a bitch whenever I detect an opening to do so. But that’s not what I’m doing right now. Right now I need snacks. SNACKS!,” said Nisbet, in a rare moment of near rationality, before reverting to the bitchiness that has Rivas so concerned. “I know the house is full of food, I’m the one who buys it. But I need snacks, you jerk, now go get me some!”

The effects of Nisbet’s difficult personality of late have been multiplied exponentially due to the amount of time she has been spending in the couple’s apartment, out of fear of being overwhelmed by the temptation to smoke that is omnipresent on the streets of the Argentine capital. Restaurants have only been required to keep smoking patrons in completely enclosed areas since late 2006, smokers buying fresh packs at corner shops are expected to throw the packaging onto the sidewalk and fully one third of the country’s cardiologists are said to smoke.

“The hour or two per day that I can usually steal away for myself are what has kept us together,” Rivas stated in all seriousness. “I’m willing to accept a good amount of responsibility for Clare smoking this time around, but she needs to find another way to deal with her frustration that pushing me out of the way when I’m near the pantry. Like reading all the Harry Potter books over again from the beginning, or something.”