Category Archives: One Sorry Blog

Eat Me (or, How One Woman Overcomes her Racial Handicap and Prepares Damn Tasty Food from Around the World)

Strictly for High Rollers – Millionaire’s Shortbread
by Clare Nisbet

Shortbread crumbs mixed and ready for pressing The perfect Scottish trifecta - shortbread, caramel, chocolate

It’s a gloomy Monday morning at the downtown headquarters of OSB and the fact that it is a holiday inspired me to write about some serious Scottish dessert – Millionaire’s Shortbread. Besides, the baseball card series is getting old for me and it’s time to inject some good, old-fashioned variety back into this blog. I hope the NWTVS and Ace follow shortly. In my next blog I will take a much needed departure from dessert and Scotland but in the spirit of dusting off the cobwebs at OSB headquarters I am going to stick with what I know and love for one more week. Besides, is it just me or is it enough with the baseball cards already?!

Millionaire’s Shortbread is NOT for the faint of heart. It’s actually likely to push those weak of heart over the cardiac arrest edge. It is a traditional Scottish treat that I used to love as a child – likely contributing to both my chub and my janky teeth. I recently made it for a bunch of Americans at our annual Festivus celebration as a sort of sociological experiment and they couldn’t get enough. It’s true that most Scottish food is based on a “survival of the fittest” mentality and ideal for only those blessed with an iron gut. That being said, if you are tough enough – these are some of the best mouthfuls you’ll ever experience.

This shortbread is a perfect combination of traditional shortbread, homemade caramel, and chocolate. It’s also a great dessert because it’s got a couple of tricky elements that are good for practicing. You can perfect your shortbread and caramel techniques and your patience in the kitchen and what results is to-die-for good.

Here are the three stages for perfect Millionaire’s Shortbread. The best tip I can give you is patience – make sure that the recipe is cooled completely after each layer is completed.

Shortbread

6oz butter6oz granulated sugar
8oz plain flour
2 oz corn flour
1 tsp baking powder

Preheat over to 350. Grease and flour a 12 inch baking tin (the deeper, the better). Cream the butter and sugar in a large mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, corn flour, and baking powder. Gradually beat this into the butter and sugar mixture until you have beautiful shortbread crumbs (see photo for example). Spread the mixture into the baking tin and press to create shortbread (with clean fingers is the most old school, and most effective method). Bake shortbread for 20 minutes and cool completely while you prepare the caramel.

Caramel

6oz sugar
6 oz butter
I can (15 oz) sweetened condensed milk
1 Tbs golden syrup
1 tsp vanilla extract

Place all ingredients except the vanilla into a saucepaul. Over very low heat stir until butter is melted and sugar is dissolved (this can take several minutes – just hum and stir, hum and stir). Then bring mixture to a gentle boil and boil for 5-7 minutes, stirring constantly. Take the mixture of the heat, let cool for 1 minute then stir in the vanilla. Stir final mixture for 2 more minutes and then pour over the shortbread. Place this in the refrigerator until caramel hardens completely.

Chocolate

All you need is your favorite chocolate. In the spirit of Scotland I use Cadbury’s Dairy Milk and Dark Chocolate.

Melt chocolate in a double boiler over hot water. A touch of butter gives the chocolate a beautiful sheen. Pour it over caramel when it is completely hardened. When the three-layered goodness is completely cooled, cut into squares and enjoy. Guaranteed mad props.

Publisher reassures readership that blog will continue to provide music, film, network TV and gambling articles written by its team of experts during his four-month overland journey from Buenos Aires to Goleta with blog’s food writer

One Sorry Blog News Service writer Paul Rivas and Eat Me writer Nisbet have created an all-new blog to chronicle the trip: The Big Schlep

One Sorry Blog News Service

Rivas and Nisbet; photo by Greg Roden

Buenos Aires – One Sorry Blog publisher Paul Rivas reassured the groundbreaking blog’s readership that the blog, whose content is provided by a crack team of unpaid experts, would continue to provide the most cutting edge music, film, network TV and gambling articles during the four months that Rivas and girlfriend Clare Nisbet (the blog’s food columnist) will be making their overland journey home from this Argentine capital to Goleta.

The Buenos Aires Desk of One Sorry Blog, which Rivas staffs, closed operations Tuesday afternoon with this news article. Rivas and his beloved are leaving Buenos Aires any day now to begin their trip home after living in the city for 19 months.

Rivas, who also edits the blog and writes the One Sorry Blog News Service, elaborated.

“Clare and I will be focusing on this big schlep of ours. Rather than she continuing to write Eat Me (or, One Woman Overcomes Her Racial Handicap and Prepares Damn Tasty Food from Around the World) and I continuing to write news articles, in addition to playing Scrabble ten times a day trying to make a bingo worthy of the Sunday Scrabble Sweepstakes, we’re going to combine our efforts and write an all-new blog chronicling said schlep: The Big Schlep.”

“Have you ever known anyone to schlep from Buenos Aires to Goleta?” Nisbet asked in her ‘are you kidding me?’ voice. “It’s a schlep!”

Rivas emphasized that the blog’s loyal readership will still have Network TV Slut, Recetas magistrales, Notes from the Film Vanguard, Live from the Analog Playground and Gambling Is Easy to look forward to every other week or so.

Rivas was visibly excited about the future of the blog’s gambling content during his absence. “Ace Cummins just flew in from St. Kitts for the American football season, and he’s ready to make some money.”

Anyone familiar with Ace Cummins’ work on Gambling Is Easy (or, You’ve Heard of Ace Rothstein? Well This Is Ace Cummins!) will be glad to hear the news. Ace Cummins was 11-4-1 overall on spring picks, including a stone-cold 5-0 on “five-star” picks.

In its six-month history, One Sorry Blog has received more than 12,500 page views. Its popularity peaked in the second half of July, when One Sorry Blog averaged more than 100 page views per day for 15 consecutive days and briefly reached the 15th position on the WordPress list of Fastest Growing Blogs. There are over 1,000,000 blogs on WordPress.

One Sorry Blog’s schedule for September-December 2007, during which Eat Me, the One Sorry Blog News Service and the Sunday Scrabble Sweepstakes will be unavailable:
Wednesdays: Network TV Slut
Miércoles: Recetas magistrales
Thursdays: Notes from the Film Vanguard
Thursdays: Live from the Analog Playground
Fridays: Gambling Is Easy

In first week as life artist, man wins some, loses some

One Sorry Blog News Service

Life artist Paul Rivas has a nose for the goal, but isn’t much of a defender

Buenos Aires – Today marks the end of American Paul Rivas’s first week as a life artist, a week in which the former translator failed miserably at two new weekly activities and missed the deadline on the one thing he was supposed to do.

At the top of the list of things Rivas hadn’t been up to snuff on since the weight of a 40-hour work week was lifted from his shoulders was the operation of the Buenos Aires Desk of One Sorry Blog, as evidenced by the lack of new content this week.

Rivas had come to regard the Tuesday edition of the One Sorry Blog News Service as, “as solid as a 5-star pick by Ace Cummins”, but failed to deliver the much-awaited and widely-read news service article by its Tuesday deadline, prompting this first-ever Thursday edition.

How does a reduction in paid soulless work hours lead to a drop in the production of unpaid creative endeavors?

“The thing is,” said Rivas, “all the work I did on One Sorry Blog, I did at work.”

To be fair, one reason for the One Sorry Blog News Service not meeting its Tuesday deadline was that Rivas made his Argentinean indoor soccer debut early Tuesday morning. Rivas has signed on to play in the “Monday night at 3:30 a.m.” league, a less serious and less violent option than the 8 p.m. league or the beer league, respectively. Taxi driver and friend to gringos Luis Ramírez had invited him to play and assured him that his complete lack of soccer skills would be tolerated by the other taxi drivers and night crawlers playing at that obscene hour.

“I watched a lot of the Premiereship this year,” said Rivas before the game, upbeat, “and for a while I was playing basketball on Saturdays in Barracas.”

And how did that work out for him, soccer-wise?

“Not so good,” the life artist conceded after the game. “Terrible, actually. I felt like Ashley Hames on the episode of Man’s Work where he just shows up and tries to be an Alaskan king crab fisherman.”

Ramírez had this to say: “He looked like he was trying to play basketball, if you can imagine what a guy trying to play basketball on a soccer field looks like. I kept congratulating him on his four goals, but the truth is that he must have allowed at least 12 goals all by himself. He had one golazo, but even that one was all me.”

On the goal in question, with Rivas streaking down the left side of the short field, Ramírez passed him the ball from midfield, hitting him in stride. Without pausing to collect the pass, Rivas took the ball mid-bounce and pissed on it with his left foot, sending the small ball past the goalkeeper’s ear and into the upper netting. Rivas tagged the golazo the highlight of his first week as a life artist, adding that he “totally would have youtubed it” if anyone had caught it on video.

“I’m counting that one as a moral victory,” Rivas said, in all seriousness. “And my goal for next week is not to be the worst guy out there.”

Also on the schedule for Rivas in his second week as a life artist is an improved showing at the weekly poker game he and his beloved Clare Nisbet joined. That should be almost guaranteed, given that Rivas lost 70 pesos in the Wednesday night game and next week, the format changes to a single 60-peso buy-in.

“Obvi that wasn’t what I was referring to,” said Rivas, “I was referring to playing winning hands instead of folding them and not betting on losing hands out of spite.”

Rivas was knocked out of the game when the full house of kings over tens that he held after the turn was rendered useless when the fourth king on the board turned up on the river. He bet his last few chips to see his opponent’s ace-seven take down his jack-ten, but left with enough spite in his gut to make it all worthwhile.

“No one said being a life artist would be easy,” shrugged Rivas. “But hey, I won 50 dollars on the Cavs minus 2.5 Monday night and got three months added to my visa in less than 30 minutes at the immigration office Tuesday morning. All in all, a good week.”

“Whatever,” said Nisbet. “He can call himself a life artist if he wants. He can call himself Jack Bauer, for all I care. He just better start making me some dinner. That was part of the deal when he quit working: he was gonna make me some dinner. All he’s done so far is walk two blocks once to pick up empanadas once.”

Rave reviews for One Sorry Blog not insincere as once feared

More and more folks who have no reason to lie are praising the nascent blog.

One Sorry Blog News Service

These Chinese want their One Sorry Blog

Buenos Aires – Two months after its creation, One Sorry Blog is increasingly being praised by readers with no connection to the blog that would require them to be polite and say it’s a good blog.

“I’ve been getting a lot of positive feedback from people who haven’t even known me for a year,” said Paul Rivas, founder of One Sorry Blog, the online magazine that publishes articles by unpaid experts in various fields, “and they all agree that One Sorry Blog is rad.”

Rivas has always maintained that there is much to like about the most exciting project he’s worked on since The Screed, a 550-page record of his adventures in Europe alongside the Life Artist Bubba Ray Robison, but was hesitant to get too excited about the cost-free and free-of-charge magazine he had accidentally created. Most of the good things he’d heard about One Sorry Blog had come from people he’s known for years, if not his entire life, and he couldn’t be sure that they weren’t just saying they liked it because of some perceived obligation to do so.

Yet in the last week, the Buenos Aires Desk of One Sorry Blog has been fielding praise left and right. Perhaps more important than the volume of compliments One Sorry Blog has been receiving of late is their diversity.

“I was catching up on One Sorry Blog the other night,” said Emily Brown, a native of some island off the coast of Massachusetts. “They’re all really good writers.”

Rivas has of course known this all along, and was on the verge of retorting, “Hey, what’d you expect?” but instead thanked Emily and explained that this was what he saw as One Sorry Blog’s purpose in a world and Internet that are overflowing with writing that no one can stand to read.

“The other day I had to wait half an hour at the doctor’s office,” said Ana Paula Bonifacino, an Argentine woman who has never shot a basketball in her life but nevertheless translates game stories and the like for the Houston Rockets’ website, “and I thought, ‘I wish I had One Sorry Blog to read right now.’”

That Bonifacino would think to read the blog at a moment when Rivas wasn’t pestering her to do so at the translation company where they work came as a pleasant surprise. Contributors to the blog are all people Rivas considers to be experts in their respective fields, and while walking to work the day after his first post on One Sorry Blog it occurred to him that people out in the world might like to read the opinions of these individuals of whom he thinks so highly. He anticipated the blog would have wide appeal, but seeing red dots on the readers map on the blog in places that he’s never had the least desire to visit has been encouraging.

Gena Mavuli, the first person from Connecticut that Rivas has ever met in his Californiacentric existence, has described the result as: “My own personal newspaper.”

Rivas believes One Sorry Blog to be unique in the world, but does not have the know-how to confirm such a suspicion. To be sure, there are thousands of online-only magazines in existence, but a simple Google search may support Rivas’s claim. There is only one “Network TV Slut” in the world, none other than Julie Nisbet of One Sorry Blog, just as there is only one set of “Notes from the Film Vanguard”. It also seems that “Gambling Is Easy”-er for One Sorry Blog’s Ace Cummins (.714 winning percentage) than any other published gambler in the world. Many a reader prepares at least one meal per week based on the content of “Eat Me”, and “Recetas magistrales” has developed a cult following among office workers in Buenos Aires.

Readers around the globe have taken notice. Except in China, where Ace Cummins confirmed that One Sorry Blog is banned. The blog has received 2600 page visits in just over two months, an average of 40 per day. Gambling Is Easy is the site’s most popular column, and the site’s traffic nearly doubles on days it is published.

“Look at the readers map,” Rivas challenged. “Check it out. All those people found One Sorry Blog worth reading.”

How exactly people from every continent but Antarctica have discovered One Sorry Blog varies. The most common search terms entered by web surfers leading them to click on One Sorry Blog have been, “Ace Rothstein”, “Antonella Barba” and “empanadas”.

One Sorry Blog has increased its initial operating budget of US$100 to US$254 by heeding Ace Cummins’ betting tips, and will use the windfall to increase storage space on wordpress.com, the site that hosts the blog. Rivas also has plans to add more globally unique columns to the site. As always, he encouraged readers to continue reading One Sorry Blog every day for health and to tell their friends and family to do the same.